Walking On Sunshine

There is a joy in living that we must each find for our own. For me, walking at sunrise with a friend can put a lot into perspective. I get to vent, we get to connect and catch up, and by the time the 3 1/2 mile walk is over with, I have exercised, breathed fresh air, received vitamin D from the sunshine and had a big glass of water. What else do you want? Who needs Prozac when you've got all that?

I'm an emotional eater. Always have been, probably always will be. Kind of like an alcoholic, it's just in me. When I'm in distress? First thing I think of is a chocolate. When I'm a little bored? Time to cruise the frig. Feeling a little uncomfortable? I think I need a snack. Something crunchy to make me less pissed.

But I'm learning. I'm better today than I was a year ago. I'm growing and changing and I have lots and lots of hope. Hope that I am worth a walk. Worth those veggies I am chopping for a salad. Worth the purified water and the organic bananas, and even the hormone replacement therapy that God knows my husband needed me on a decade ago. Geez Louise.

I'm worth a lot. A lot more than I ever realized. I think there was a time I questioned if I was worth the air I was breathing. My entire self-image was wrapped up in how big my butt was. No longer.

You see I'm learning... even through cracked pots, that I am a child of God. And I don't say that cliche'. I really am. We all are. Big and small, fat and tall, black and white and red and yellow. All children. Children on a big playground. And God is holding us in the palm of his hand.

It's hard to know who you are when you were raised in a dysfunctional, loud, chaotic alcoholic home. Hard to pretend you know who you are as a mother when the voices in your head (the "committee") are shouting your name and calling out obscenities while you are trying to get a moment's peace.

But deep down, deep inside your soul of soul's, you know who you are. The answer is inside you, and it says things like this...

"I am secure. I am loved. I am significant. I am accepted. All is well. I am at perfect peace and ease. I am a friend of God and free of condemnation. I am confident that God will complete the good works He began in me. I am happy to look the world in the eye. I am true to myself and false to no man. I have not been given a blanket of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. I may approach life and love with freedom and confidence. I am free and happy. Fear of people and of economic insecurity have left me. I am God's child."

Over time, the mind renews itself. Negativity slips away. We intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us, and we suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. We have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even ourselves, and suddenly we realize that that Twinkie doesn't look as appealing as it once did. After all, a Twinkie can do only what a Twinkie can do. It never makes it to your heart, only to your stomach and backside. (Well mine anyways.)

So here's to health and happiness. Here's to that walk with a friend that turns into freedom, health and happiness and miles of laughter and tears turned into strong legs and delighted hearts. Look left and look right, I'm sure there is a neighbor, a friend, a walking buddy just around your corner. And even if you have to wake up at 4:15 in the morning, remember there's that joy for living we must each find for our ourselves, and you never know, it might just be when the sun comes up.

A Hobble Well Done

There are times in life when you feel like you are really moving forward, really making headway- Making a leap. And then there are times when you feel like you have make one big fat U-turn and are starting out right where you started to begin with. There are times in life when you want to quit and say, "I've been here. I've done this. I'm over it." And then there are times, you simply have to press through and say, "Even though I've been here, I'm going to press forward and move into the unknown. Leap forward with expectation for the best."

Leaps are funny. Some are off cliffs. Some are on the ground, like a pas de bourree glisside jete in ballet. Some are elephant to elephant in circuses, some are in 400-meter races in the Olympics and some at home with babies. Like mine. When I wasn't able to breastfeed my son as an infant and I, with the unspoken permission of my six week old who seemed to say, "Mama, it's okay. You can do it mama. Go, go! I'll be fine!!", decided to go back to school and get my masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, with this underlying oompha inside that I was somehow destined to use my voice and life to counsel, and speak, and write and share my journey with the music of life in all it's imperfections, even though I am scared, and I belittle myself, and I constantly look for approval and hope and direction.

And here I am, I am almost finished. I can see the finish line right ahead of me. It's been quite a race, and a lonely one at that I may add. I have given up my social life for books, and papers and presentations, and exams, and a few precious friendships that I have managed to maintain that have gotten sweeter and sweeter like the honeysuckle in spring that grows behind my old farmhouse. Like the old quilt on my daughter's bed that my own grandma and great-grandma made while I hid beneath their quilting rack as a 4 year old girl on vacation in Arkansas, one of my earliest and most beautiful memories, I see how God, in all his goodness, has been patch-working my life to make something beautiful, in His eyes all along. And I am simply a vessel, being stitched together by His hand, trusting moment by moment, that in the end, the work of art will be worth the wait. And if I fall apart, he'll put me back together in due time, and one day I will see the clear picture. Hindsight is 20-20 you know.

So here's to leaping. Leaping with grace, or hobbling along... which is what I am feeling today. A bit of a hobbler. Two leaps up, one leap back. Two hobbles up, one hobble back. But I know one thing. I'm not where I was a year ago. I'm not where I was two months ago. I am inching forward by the grace of a loving God. And when I'm tired, when I'm spent, He picks me up, every pound, and carries me effortlessly over the finish line. "You've done well my child. You've finished the race. With me in tow. And thanks for the asking."

Stop and Smell the Hollyhocks...

The God I know and love does not require me to be happy all the time. He enjoys whatever expression I send His way. That includes joy as well as sorrow, delight as well as frustration, excitement as well as boredom. A fully-developed relationship with God is one where I share all of me.

"Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised." -American Proverb

Today I am feeling rather contented. Which is a little strange, but hey I'm goin' for it. And I am taking back what I have lost in trying to please everyone but myself. To thine own self be true, and writing is one of my joys. So whether I am funny one day, sad another day, or a complete dimwit the other, I plan to continue to be true to the person I am. A woman, a mom, a friend, a sister, a wife, a business owner, a therapy lover ;) haha so funny but it's true, a writer of songs and stories, and whatever else I feel like doing that day!
I was once reminded by a very dear and old friend who was my mentor for many years that life is all about "for fun and for free". Now she knew full well that life isn't free, but the point of the tellin' is that if we focus on doing what we love, with the heart of "for fun or for free", that the burdens of life are lifted and suddenly we realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves, as we give our lives over to the care of God one day at a time, with our hearts in the right place.
This is not exactly the heart of the business world. I know. I have been dealing with the business world for the past three and a half years with business people saying things to me like, "What? What is Music with Mommie exactly? Do you like dance in a circle and things?"
Business men, in general, don't exactly get it.
I will respond with something like "We are an early childhood music and movement program that teaches important life skills to young children, builds community among moms and enhances the mother-child bond."
To which I generally get a cock-eyed cocker spaniel look.
I was relieved and amazed to work with a marketing company nearby who were the first "business people" to actually affirm what I was doing. And who could actually translate my right brained self into a marketing plan that is walkable.
So I breathe...
And I say to myself, "If this is God's will, and this is God's company, and I put Him first and do my part, admit where I fall short and do my best, the results are not in my hands, they are in His."
And that is where I am today.
I do my part, and I leave the results to God.
The challenge is in staying in today. As a mother I can completely lose myself in my children, my husband, my house, making meals, trying to figure out how to get my laundry done, the MwM website reworked, the marketing plan put into walkable bullet points, get my animals fed, my house remodel finished, my dogs bathed, my children fed, my toenails painted by someone other than a two year old... And I can forget to breathe. To stop and smell the hollyhocks.
But when I do, I am so glad I did.
Because life is in the right now. And right now I am living it.
Earlier this morning, after my husband left for the office, I grabbed my guitar, sat on the farmhouse front porch and sang my songs as my children played in their sandbox. The birds sang right along with me and my Basset Hound, Hank, didn't even howl.
That was progress.
And my heart went glad when I stopped momentarily and my daughter in her sandbox, who I didn't even think was listening said,
"Keep singing mama!"
So contentment is God's gift to me today. Because I cannot give that to myself. It is a gift. And a gift I am thankful for.
All for the giving, and the taking,
And the planting.
Progress, not perfection-
Stacy

Be Still and Know...

When I was a little girl, I thought of God as a big man who required Shirley Temple curls, three teired fancy dresses and shiny black shoes on Sundays to want to be with me. I often wondered why my mother had to drop me off in pink, funkily painted, cenderblock rooms for Sunday School to learn about God. I mean, wasn't God OUTSIDE? "He isn't in here", I would think. He's "out THERE".
I have always experienced God in nature. I remember spending time down at the creek when I was a kid, just to watch the water roll by. No thoughts at all. Just ripples and light and the sound of water running off the rocks.
I guess I have always wondered why people complicate God so.
The birds of the air, they do not labor or spin, and look all of their needs are provided.
They don't complicate things. They just take their worms and run. "Thank you very much", says the bird and hums a little tune.
They don't fuss about theology, or play in bands, or take up collections for buildings, or convince people of their sins. They just flitter about, little this little that, and we watch them in awe, in nature, and think, "Wow. God is a big God to make all this, huh? Just for me."
My children and I wake up in the mornings and first thing we do is go look out the farmhouse window and see if the birds are awake yet, and if they are eating their bird seed next to the big oak tree.
As I watch my little boy and my little girl look out the window, it reminds me of that Dr. Suess book where the little boy and the little girl are looking out the window, except it's not raining and the Cat in the Hat isn't really coming over. That's the difference between real, and well, not.
And I have been reminded that we, we humans, especially me, have a tendency to mold our image of what we want our life to look like and then put it on God like, "Here ya go, this is what I want, deliver buddy. Turn some tricks and make it funny." With our laundry list of expectations.
Some of us learn fast, others of us slow, sometimes painfully slow, that it doesn't quite work that way. God and Dr. Suess are very different you see. And I've had it backwards quite a while.
It goes more like this: "God, I offer myself to Thee. To build with me, and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self so that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Love, Thy Power and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always."
That is a prayer of surrender.
And there is no easier, or softer way.
Thy will, not my will be done.
And then I realize, while I am watching the birds out my window, that He has been here all along. Been with me all the while. Sitting and watching with me out my farmhouse window. Waiting for me to surrender my "idea" of Him. So that I can see him sitting right beside me. And he's not in a hurry at all.
And then I realize that the fear of people and of economic insecurity have left me.
And I can sit and watch in peace.

The Gift Of A Seed...

Sunshine does me a world of good. And gratitude. I spent the morning planting seeds, garden walkways, painting an old picnic table, picking up sticks and putting them on the firepit, rummaging through the pile of rocks from the 100 year old chimney we removed from our farmhouse 2 1/2 years ago, and watched my half-naked son in amazement as he pee-peed on a tree for the first time, all by himself, and then pooped in the garage right by our pet bunny Lola. "Just like Joshua." he said, referring to the potty book his Mimi reads to him regularly, as with faith she reads knowing that one fine day my Lukey will up and "get it".
Sunshine after a good rain does my soul good. I have two weeks off of school to gather my thoughts, do some gardening, spend time with my children without thinking of tests and papers and group projects. Between school and work and raising two children on a farm, I have been reminded by an old and dear friend that I have at some level "lost myself". So easy to do as a mother trying to do everything right.
And yet in my heart I feel like I have turned a corner. I can't quite explain it, but it is a permission I have finally given myself to succeed, and do what is in my heart to do, kind of a recollecting of old dreams put into a new format and nobody but me could say, "Here you go gal, go for it."
I have had friends along the way encourage me with gusto, mentors who believed in me, a mother who thinks I'm wonderful (nothing like a mama that thinks you're wonderful even when you're not acting so wonderful), but I have come to realize that until you believe in yourself, no amount to belief from others can take you from the bed to the car to the destination unless you decide you deserve it.
"I was raised in an alcoholic home", has been my internal excuse most of my life. That "home" is now a thing of the past, only a fragment in my mind, even if alive most days in my heart, and I have to come to a place where I am willing to lay down the past and not allow it to control my present and future any longer.
Only I can decide if my dreams are worth reaching.
Only I can decide if going out on a limb is worth the risk.
Only I can decide if the risk is worth taking, and life is full of risks, isn't it?
Nobody promised me life would be easy.
And I cannot continue to compare my insides with others outsides.
I have to come to a place where the sun is worth enjoying, my gifts are worth sharing, and believing in myself maybe will be that bit of perfume that helps other women believe in themselves as well.
We've bought a granny sack full of lies- lies that we are not worth success, that having money is "un-holy", that shouldn't we be more "humble".
I'm not sure where exactly I picked all this up, but today, in the sunshine, somewhere among all the seeds, I laid it all down.
And today I am looking forward to seeing the sprouts, and the flowers and the harvest.
Amazing what a gift of seeds will do.
All for the giving, and the taking.
And the planting.
-Stacy

You Know You're Alive When You're Still Dreamin'

Today I had the fun opportunity to visit Music with Mommie class in Cool Springs and had a great time. And some things occurred to me. Number one. Wow that this class still exists. Number Two. Can't believe my daughter is going to turn five in May. Number Three. In a few weeks, we will begin taking applications for moms with musical backgrounds who would like to teach Music with Mommie class in their communities. Number Four. I can't believe it. The mere fact that this class still exists without me teaching it is amazing to me, really. I'm kind of dumbfounded. It's like up there with walking on water.
For those of you that do not know, I am working as a therapeutic case manager (contract work) for LifeCare Family Services while finishing up my masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from Trevecca Nazarene University. My plan and dream is to first, get my license working with an agency. And then, God willing and I live, I want to build on to the back of my farmhouse and start a private practice called Sunnybrook Counseling for Kids.
In the meantime, I am in grad school (three semesters left somebody tell me I can do this), juggling swim lessons, a two year old boy who wants me to take him to the zoo for the monkeys to raise him, and I just might, my husband who has worked in the music industry for 20 years and has a crazy schedule, and my daughter who is smarter than me....
Oh and then there is the fact we are taking care of a FARM. Yes people I just don't know when to quit. But I think I have officially hit my limit, which is a good thing. Limits are good ;)
I am a person so full of ideas it makes me crazy. I was so comforted in my grad school personality development class when I found out my personality type is the one that most entreprenuers have. They should tell you this in elementary school. Seriously people. I should have known that a long time ago.
I wake up in the night with ideas, I drive, I get ideas. Thankfully my husband listens. He does a lot of smiling and nodding. He listens a lot. He has probably grown several pairs of ears since he married me almost 12 years ago. Thank God for ears.
Anyways, I digress. So I am really happy that Music with Mommie finally, and I say FINALLY, has the opportunity to grow. We are getting a new website look- thanks to JOE DESIGN the most wonderful designer God ever made that I am so happy to get to work with. And so here is my dream. You wanna' hear it?
My dream is that I get to work as a child therapist on my farm. And that I get to see moms all over the country take this class. Is that so hard? Is that realistic? I'm just askin' because sometimes I think am I dreaming too big here? Am I just impatient or what?
Yeah. Prob'ly impatient. (I am hearing Eeyore in my head right now.)
I have another dream too if you wanna' hear it.
I wanna' do another record. OKAY there I said it I wanna' do another record.
In all my spare time.
That's it for today folks. I'm signin' off.
Over and out.
Just keepin' you updated.
Stacy-

"Biscuits" by Lukey

Hi Max.
Hi Hanky.
Hi Chicken.
Hi Kitty Kitty.
Big red door opens.
I play piano.
All done.
Biscuits!!
I make biscuits with mommy.
Stir stir stir
Stir the biscuits.
Cook now.
Sit in my seat.
Sissy in her seat.
Butter now.
Jelly now.
Honey now.
We eat biscuits.
All done.
Big mess.
Boots on.
Help daddy.
Barn.
Feed chickens.
Bok Bok Bok Bok
Big cow.
Moooooooo.....
Walk with daddy.
Cow poop.
Pond now.
Throw rocks.
POW! Wow.....
Walk now.
Hi horses!
Carrots.
Mmmmmm.....
Walk now.
Walk with mommy.
Tired.
Farmhouse!
Boots off.
Rest now.
Bed now.
Nap nap.......sleeeeepy sleep.....dreamin' of......
BISCUITS!!!!!!