Be Still and Know...

When I was a little girl, I thought of God as a big man who required Shirley Temple curls, three teired fancy dresses and shiny black shoes on Sundays to want to be with me. I often wondered why my mother had to drop me off in pink, funkily painted, cenderblock rooms for Sunday School to learn about God. I mean, wasn't God OUTSIDE? "He isn't in here", I would think. He's "out THERE".
I have always experienced God in nature. I remember spending time down at the creek when I was a kid, just to watch the water roll by. No thoughts at all. Just ripples and light and the sound of water running off the rocks.
I guess I have always wondered why people complicate God so.
The birds of the air, they do not labor or spin, and look all of their needs are provided.
They don't complicate things. They just take their worms and run. "Thank you very much", says the bird and hums a little tune.
They don't fuss about theology, or play in bands, or take up collections for buildings, or convince people of their sins. They just flitter about, little this little that, and we watch them in awe, in nature, and think, "Wow. God is a big God to make all this, huh? Just for me."
My children and I wake up in the mornings and first thing we do is go look out the farmhouse window and see if the birds are awake yet, and if they are eating their bird seed next to the big oak tree.
As I watch my little boy and my little girl look out the window, it reminds me of that Dr. Suess book where the little boy and the little girl are looking out the window, except it's not raining and the Cat in the Hat isn't really coming over. That's the difference between real, and well, not.
And I have been reminded that we, we humans, especially me, have a tendency to mold our image of what we want our life to look like and then put it on God like, "Here ya go, this is what I want, deliver buddy. Turn some tricks and make it funny." With our laundry list of expectations.
Some of us learn fast, others of us slow, sometimes painfully slow, that it doesn't quite work that way. God and Dr. Suess are very different you see. And I've had it backwards quite a while.
It goes more like this: "God, I offer myself to Thee. To build with me, and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self so that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Love, Thy Power and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always."
That is a prayer of surrender.
And there is no easier, or softer way.
Thy will, not my will be done.
And then I realize, while I am watching the birds out my window, that He has been here all along. Been with me all the while. Sitting and watching with me out my farmhouse window. Waiting for me to surrender my "idea" of Him. So that I can see him sitting right beside me. And he's not in a hurry at all.
And then I realize that the fear of people and of economic insecurity have left me.
And I can sit and watch in peace.

The Gift Of A Seed...

Sunshine does me a world of good. And gratitude. I spent the morning planting seeds, garden walkways, painting an old picnic table, picking up sticks and putting them on the firepit, rummaging through the pile of rocks from the 100 year old chimney we removed from our farmhouse 2 1/2 years ago, and watched my half-naked son in amazement as he pee-peed on a tree for the first time, all by himself, and then pooped in the garage right by our pet bunny Lola. "Just like Joshua." he said, referring to the potty book his Mimi reads to him regularly, as with faith she reads knowing that one fine day my Lukey will up and "get it".
Sunshine after a good rain does my soul good. I have two weeks off of school to gather my thoughts, do some gardening, spend time with my children without thinking of tests and papers and group projects. Between school and work and raising two children on a farm, I have been reminded by an old and dear friend that I have at some level "lost myself". So easy to do as a mother trying to do everything right.
And yet in my heart I feel like I have turned a corner. I can't quite explain it, but it is a permission I have finally given myself to succeed, and do what is in my heart to do, kind of a recollecting of old dreams put into a new format and nobody but me could say, "Here you go gal, go for it."
I have had friends along the way encourage me with gusto, mentors who believed in me, a mother who thinks I'm wonderful (nothing like a mama that thinks you're wonderful even when you're not acting so wonderful), but I have come to realize that until you believe in yourself, no amount to belief from others can take you from the bed to the car to the destination unless you decide you deserve it.
"I was raised in an alcoholic home", has been my internal excuse most of my life. That "home" is now a thing of the past, only a fragment in my mind, even if alive most days in my heart, and I have to come to a place where I am willing to lay down the past and not allow it to control my present and future any longer.
Only I can decide if my dreams are worth reaching.
Only I can decide if going out on a limb is worth the risk.
Only I can decide if the risk is worth taking, and life is full of risks, isn't it?
Nobody promised me life would be easy.
And I cannot continue to compare my insides with others outsides.
I have to come to a place where the sun is worth enjoying, my gifts are worth sharing, and believing in myself maybe will be that bit of perfume that helps other women believe in themselves as well.
We've bought a granny sack full of lies- lies that we are not worth success, that having money is "un-holy", that shouldn't we be more "humble".
I'm not sure where exactly I picked all this up, but today, in the sunshine, somewhere among all the seeds, I laid it all down.
And today I am looking forward to seeing the sprouts, and the flowers and the harvest.
Amazing what a gift of seeds will do.
All for the giving, and the taking.
And the planting.
-Stacy

You Know You're Alive When You're Still Dreamin'

Today I had the fun opportunity to visit Music with Mommie class in Cool Springs and had a great time. And some things occurred to me. Number one. Wow that this class still exists. Number Two. Can't believe my daughter is going to turn five in May. Number Three. In a few weeks, we will begin taking applications for moms with musical backgrounds who would like to teach Music with Mommie class in their communities. Number Four. I can't believe it. The mere fact that this class still exists without me teaching it is amazing to me, really. I'm kind of dumbfounded. It's like up there with walking on water.
For those of you that do not know, I am working as a therapeutic case manager (contract work) for LifeCare Family Services while finishing up my masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from Trevecca Nazarene University. My plan and dream is to first, get my license working with an agency. And then, God willing and I live, I want to build on to the back of my farmhouse and start a private practice called Sunnybrook Counseling for Kids.
In the meantime, I am in grad school (three semesters left somebody tell me I can do this), juggling swim lessons, a two year old boy who wants me to take him to the zoo for the monkeys to raise him, and I just might, my husband who has worked in the music industry for 20 years and has a crazy schedule, and my daughter who is smarter than me....
Oh and then there is the fact we are taking care of a FARM. Yes people I just don't know when to quit. But I think I have officially hit my limit, which is a good thing. Limits are good ;)
I am a person so full of ideas it makes me crazy. I was so comforted in my grad school personality development class when I found out my personality type is the one that most entreprenuers have. They should tell you this in elementary school. Seriously people. I should have known that a long time ago.
I wake up in the night with ideas, I drive, I get ideas. Thankfully my husband listens. He does a lot of smiling and nodding. He listens a lot. He has probably grown several pairs of ears since he married me almost 12 years ago. Thank God for ears.
Anyways, I digress. So I am really happy that Music with Mommie finally, and I say FINALLY, has the opportunity to grow. We are getting a new website look- thanks to JOE DESIGN the most wonderful designer God ever made that I am so happy to get to work with. And so here is my dream. You wanna' hear it?
My dream is that I get to work as a child therapist on my farm. And that I get to see moms all over the country take this class. Is that so hard? Is that realistic? I'm just askin' because sometimes I think am I dreaming too big here? Am I just impatient or what?
Yeah. Prob'ly impatient. (I am hearing Eeyore in my head right now.)
I have another dream too if you wanna' hear it.
I wanna' do another record. OKAY there I said it I wanna' do another record.
In all my spare time.
That's it for today folks. I'm signin' off.
Over and out.
Just keepin' you updated.
Stacy-