Walking On Sunshine

There is a joy in living that we must each find for our own. For me, walking at sunrise with a friend can put a lot into perspective. I get to vent, we get to connect and catch up, and by the time the 3 1/2 mile walk is over with, I have exercised, breathed fresh air, received vitamin D from the sunshine and had a big glass of water. What else do you want? Who needs Prozac when you've got all that?

I'm an emotional eater. Always have been, probably always will be. Kind of like an alcoholic, it's just in me. When I'm in distress? First thing I think of is a chocolate. When I'm a little bored? Time to cruise the frig. Feeling a little uncomfortable? I think I need a snack. Something crunchy to make me less pissed.

But I'm learning. I'm better today than I was a year ago. I'm growing and changing and I have lots and lots of hope. Hope that I am worth a walk. Worth those veggies I am chopping for a salad. Worth the purified water and the organic bananas, and even the hormone replacement therapy that God knows my husband needed me on a decade ago. Geez Louise.

I'm worth a lot. A lot more than I ever realized. I think there was a time I questioned if I was worth the air I was breathing. My entire self-image was wrapped up in how big my butt was. No longer.

You see I'm learning... even through cracked pots, that I am a child of God. And I don't say that cliche'. I really am. We all are. Big and small, fat and tall, black and white and red and yellow. All children. Children on a big playground. And God is holding us in the palm of his hand.

It's hard to know who you are when you were raised in a dysfunctional, loud, chaotic alcoholic home. Hard to pretend you know who you are as a mother when the voices in your head (the "committee") are shouting your name and calling out obscenities while you are trying to get a moment's peace.

But deep down, deep inside your soul of soul's, you know who you are. The answer is inside you, and it says things like this...

"I am secure. I am loved. I am significant. I am accepted. All is well. I am at perfect peace and ease. I am a friend of God and free of condemnation. I am confident that God will complete the good works He began in me. I am happy to look the world in the eye. I am true to myself and false to no man. I have not been given a blanket of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. I may approach life and love with freedom and confidence. I am free and happy. Fear of people and of economic insecurity have left me. I am God's child."

Over time, the mind renews itself. Negativity slips away. We intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us, and we suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. We have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even ourselves, and suddenly we realize that that Twinkie doesn't look as appealing as it once did. After all, a Twinkie can do only what a Twinkie can do. It never makes it to your heart, only to your stomach and backside. (Well mine anyways.)

So here's to health and happiness. Here's to that walk with a friend that turns into freedom, health and happiness and miles of laughter and tears turned into strong legs and delighted hearts. Look left and look right, I'm sure there is a neighbor, a friend, a walking buddy just around your corner. And even if you have to wake up at 4:15 in the morning, remember there's that joy for living we must each find for our ourselves, and you never know, it might just be when the sun comes up.

A Hobble Well Done

There are times in life when you feel like you are really moving forward, really making headway- Making a leap. And then there are times when you feel like you have make one big fat U-turn and are starting out right where you started to begin with. There are times in life when you want to quit and say, "I've been here. I've done this. I'm over it." And then there are times, you simply have to press through and say, "Even though I've been here, I'm going to press forward and move into the unknown. Leap forward with expectation for the best."

Leaps are funny. Some are off cliffs. Some are on the ground, like a pas de bourree glisside jete in ballet. Some are elephant to elephant in circuses, some are in 400-meter races in the Olympics and some at home with babies. Like mine. When I wasn't able to breastfeed my son as an infant and I, with the unspoken permission of my six week old who seemed to say, "Mama, it's okay. You can do it mama. Go, go! I'll be fine!!", decided to go back to school and get my masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, with this underlying oompha inside that I was somehow destined to use my voice and life to counsel, and speak, and write and share my journey with the music of life in all it's imperfections, even though I am scared, and I belittle myself, and I constantly look for approval and hope and direction.

And here I am, I am almost finished. I can see the finish line right ahead of me. It's been quite a race, and a lonely one at that I may add. I have given up my social life for books, and papers and presentations, and exams, and a few precious friendships that I have managed to maintain that have gotten sweeter and sweeter like the honeysuckle in spring that grows behind my old farmhouse. Like the old quilt on my daughter's bed that my own grandma and great-grandma made while I hid beneath their quilting rack as a 4 year old girl on vacation in Arkansas, one of my earliest and most beautiful memories, I see how God, in all his goodness, has been patch-working my life to make something beautiful, in His eyes all along. And I am simply a vessel, being stitched together by His hand, trusting moment by moment, that in the end, the work of art will be worth the wait. And if I fall apart, he'll put me back together in due time, and one day I will see the clear picture. Hindsight is 20-20 you know.

So here's to leaping. Leaping with grace, or hobbling along... which is what I am feeling today. A bit of a hobbler. Two leaps up, one leap back. Two hobbles up, one hobble back. But I know one thing. I'm not where I was a year ago. I'm not where I was two months ago. I am inching forward by the grace of a loving God. And when I'm tired, when I'm spent, He picks me up, every pound, and carries me effortlessly over the finish line. "You've done well my child. You've finished the race. With me in tow. And thanks for the asking."

Stop and Smell the Hollyhocks...

The God I know and love does not require me to be happy all the time. He enjoys whatever expression I send His way. That includes joy as well as sorrow, delight as well as frustration, excitement as well as boredom. A fully-developed relationship with God is one where I share all of me.

"Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised." -American Proverb

Today I am feeling rather contented. Which is a little strange, but hey I'm goin' for it. And I am taking back what I have lost in trying to please everyone but myself. To thine own self be true, and writing is one of my joys. So whether I am funny one day, sad another day, or a complete dimwit the other, I plan to continue to be true to the person I am. A woman, a mom, a friend, a sister, a wife, a business owner, a therapy lover ;) haha so funny but it's true, a writer of songs and stories, and whatever else I feel like doing that day!
I was once reminded by a very dear and old friend who was my mentor for many years that life is all about "for fun and for free". Now she knew full well that life isn't free, but the point of the tellin' is that if we focus on doing what we love, with the heart of "for fun or for free", that the burdens of life are lifted and suddenly we realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves, as we give our lives over to the care of God one day at a time, with our hearts in the right place.
This is not exactly the heart of the business world. I know. I have been dealing with the business world for the past three and a half years with business people saying things to me like, "What? What is Music with Mommie exactly? Do you like dance in a circle and things?"
Business men, in general, don't exactly get it.
I will respond with something like "We are an early childhood music and movement program that teaches important life skills to young children, builds community among moms and enhances the mother-child bond."
To which I generally get a cock-eyed cocker spaniel look.
I was relieved and amazed to work with a marketing company nearby who were the first "business people" to actually affirm what I was doing. And who could actually translate my right brained self into a marketing plan that is walkable.
So I breathe...
And I say to myself, "If this is God's will, and this is God's company, and I put Him first and do my part, admit where I fall short and do my best, the results are not in my hands, they are in His."
And that is where I am today.
I do my part, and I leave the results to God.
The challenge is in staying in today. As a mother I can completely lose myself in my children, my husband, my house, making meals, trying to figure out how to get my laundry done, the MwM website reworked, the marketing plan put into walkable bullet points, get my animals fed, my house remodel finished, my dogs bathed, my children fed, my toenails painted by someone other than a two year old... And I can forget to breathe. To stop and smell the hollyhocks.
But when I do, I am so glad I did.
Because life is in the right now. And right now I am living it.
Earlier this morning, after my husband left for the office, I grabbed my guitar, sat on the farmhouse front porch and sang my songs as my children played in their sandbox. The birds sang right along with me and my Basset Hound, Hank, didn't even howl.
That was progress.
And my heart went glad when I stopped momentarily and my daughter in her sandbox, who I didn't even think was listening said,
"Keep singing mama!"
So contentment is God's gift to me today. Because I cannot give that to myself. It is a gift. And a gift I am thankful for.
All for the giving, and the taking,
And the planting.
Progress, not perfection-
Stacy