Rules of the South

I feel sorry for people who move here. To the south that is. You know, the folks that come from California, from New England and Ohio. They come down here and get all shnookered with our howdy's and our hello's, our yes sugar's and our flashy smiles. "Oh it's just so friendly! The people are so NICE." Oh honey...
Ten years later and they are just BEGINNING to get it. Somebody needs to teach a class on the rules of the South (and other dangers of Southern Living.)
Let's just start with Rule #1. (And for all you southerners out there that think I'm breakin' all the rules? Yeah well somebody has to.)
Rules of the South-
Rule #1:
Just because the lady at the Pancake Place called you "Sugar" doesn't mean you are moving to Mayberry, or Heaven, or that everybody in the south is going to have you over for grits and coffee. Half the time she's not even thinking about what she is saying and truth be told she just wants her feet to stop hurting and to have a smoke break as soon as possible. It's not personal, it's just a word.
Rule #2:
Unless you are a complete and total athiest, you might as well sign up for "Church Membership" as soon as is humanly possible. Because I promise you the first words out of anybody's mouth around here will be "Hi. Nice to meet you.... (they turn their head one way, back the other way...) And what church do you attend?" DO NOT I repeat DO NOT look at them with a blank stare, or you will immediately be put on the local "We're prayin for you honey" list. Now. You need to understand. They are doing this out of the kindness of their hearts. (Sort of.) This is the culture of the south. Do not take it personally. Trust me honey either walk down the aisle, fill out the paperwork and start makin' casseroles or just have a church name ready to ROLL OFF YOUR TONGUE as soon as humanly possible after the question is asked. You could even use The Church of (enter your street name of your home address). Then they will say, "Oh. I haven't heard of that one yet." There are so many churches around here they will never know the difference, but the importance is to have the name come out of your mouth quickly and easily. You can then proceed to have a conversation about not a whole lot.
**NOTE TO SELF: (And when they ask you to dinner- Somethin' like this (big huge smile, draw out the last word)... "YA'LL HAVE TO COME OVER FOR DINNER SOMETIIIME!!!" That means absolutely nothing so just let it fall to the floor, into the air and let it disintegrate- don't hold a grudge- they are SOUTHERN and 98.5% percent of the time you will never, ever see the inside of that person's home for supper. It is the equivalent of weather talk. Like... "Yeah the weather is lookin' kinda' blustery out there. See you later." Again, it's not personal. It's the SOUTH.
Rule #3: If you came here to get into the "Music Business", I am so so sorry. Turn around. Do not pass Go. Go to your nearest bus station and get the heck home. It's not what you think it is. You can either take my word for it or get stuck here like the rest of the million and four folks who refuse to admit it. I was BORN here. I can SAY this. Go home. Bless the socks off your local area. If you are fabulous, come here and train, record, have meetings, whatever. If you are SUPER fabulous, you will know it is the right thing to do to move to Music City. But for the love of God do not just get in your car and move here thinking you are going to be the next God-Knows-Who. I'm a lover, not a hater, but I'm tellin' you. Grey Hound.
Now, having said all that. I was born and raised in the South. My family is here. My long time, precious friends are here. There are sweet, loving people here who walk slow, talk slow and know how to make a mean pot 'o beans with ham. I have actually wanted to move to New England until about a week ago. Why? The scenery, the "intelligent" people, the history, the beauty, the NO B.S. But somehow by the grace of God, I have learned (last week..I know I'm a little slow), that the grass really isn't greener. That New Hampshire is beautiful but my beautiful friends and family won't be there. That it is cold as a freaker. That I am blessed where I am. My granny was southern, her granny was southern. I'm southern. My daddy is REAL southern. So I've decided to embrace my heritage. Ham hocks and all. You know what they say, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. So here's to you SOUTH. Looks like I'm here to stay...

"I'm proud to be from the South - where tea is sweet and accents are sweeter; summer starts in April; front porches are wide and words are long; macaroni and cheese is a vegetable; pecan pie is a staple; Y’all is the only proper pronoun; chicken is fried and biscuits come w/ gravy; everything is darling and someone is always getting their heart blessed. Have a good day y'all!..."